#26 Synthesizer Self-Care

 
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Two hours of synth & drum machines recorded on cassettes. I enumerate some of the good things that happened to me in 2016 and discuss my plans for upcoming projects. As the episode wraps up, I reveal something about myself that I've kept private my whole life.

Keep an eye on the Citizen Scientist Science Club to download a version of these rough mixes without dialog.

Equipment used includes: Akai Timbre Wolf Analog 4-Voice Polyphonic Synthesizer, Akai Tom Cat Analog Drum Machine, Akai Rhythm Wolf Analog Drum Machine & Bass Synthesizer, Pigtronix Philosopher King, Strymon OB.1 Optical Compressor & Clean Boost, Empress Compressor, Dreadbox Omikron Extravagant Waveshaper, Spaceman Effects Atlas III Preamp, Strymon Mobius Modulation Booster Yamaha MT120S & Yamaha MT100II Four-Track Cassette Recorders, Avid Pro Tools 10.


Here’s a transcript, made by a computer. It’s atrocious. Sorry!

welcome to prairie goth i'm nora the janitor the janitor the janitor the janitor the janitor the janitor the janitor your ask yourself lake what's my deal yep so today is another we're gonna listen to some tapes and here we go good morning or whatever it may be where you are for me it is 509 m in the universe and I'm very much half asleep still and I'm gonna go make some coffee all right I'm back what did I miss anything stupid probably I love that sound and I think it's actually just a kick drum if I remember right I also love how hard it scene this is I'm pretty sure that was on purpose but maybe not yeah but that kicked run it was it's really like saturated or distorted and kind of like blown out right and like a lot of sustained Oh all of that happened because of a big tronics what philosopher-king compressor I think is what it is I am so tired I did not sleep enough last night stayed up until 9:30 reading reading books you know as you do a normal Friday night party or for any normal person really an hour and a half past my bedtime reading tones tired tired tired yeah so then the reprieves here I thought it was a different one that I did or agrees I'm confused about that I guess this makes more sense but yeah the whole point of the rue breeze was just to grab summertime off of this end section and as always these are you know works in progress in their in their way I will probably edit the tape down it's not much editing that one can do and you recorded right onto tape but there's a chance that I'll be able to make it shorter overall effectively and then also I may or may not I may or may not cut the fries like right into so it's not her Prius that's just like actually the same track Wow wonder what's going on with those drums they sound like they're broken I like it put me to bed so many put me to bed somebody take me and put me in bed I gotta go to bed cool what's next this hmm this tape is blue it's really bright blue so you you may have you probably you heard the birthday tapes episode of the of the P guys that came out a couple of couple episodes ago or whatever and but if you didn't I guess a quick primer on tapes and shit for me so I like to according to tape a lot blah blah right now I've been working with like sequencers a lot primarily some cheap Akai stuff at amber wolf synthesizer it's like a four voice analog synth and then also a couple of Chi drum machines what are they called like a rhythm wolf and a tom cat fucking branding on these things egregious it's also going to get a zillion more people to continue or begin pronouncing the word Tambor incorrectly anyway so I trying to you know whatever make things and then I record it to four track cassettes and then you know I need to digitize them so decided I'd like like that I'm so tired right now did podcast episode digitizing the tapes I feel absolutely here I'll give it I'll give you a detail of what the different tracks are actually right now going on in so before there's four different tracks we're gonna start from number four and go down because number four is the drums I want to say it's the Tomcat I want to say number four is the top yeah that might be wrong but number four track bar is where the kick drum is basically happening and then track three is maybe the the rhythm oh if it's another drum machine that's where the hi-hat is happening that really broken sounding hi-hat Trek 2 is actually the rhythm wolf drum machine has one like one voice synth in it that does not like stay in tune easily like at all and and it has it has like a digital readout for for like oh this is this is the note C and it's not it's just not more if it is you have to like really like I'll use a guitar tuner a lot on these since that one in particular the timber wolf actually turns itself decently but so track 2 on the tape is that one sent from the rhythm wolf I don't care it's really repetitive it's just one note going and it really isn't it's a blown out and then track one is all four of the tambour wolf voices so we got that our Peggy oh that hi that's going on in there and also a baseline and one other thing I'm trying to forget yeah I like this track okay I think if it were cut down from how long is it I mean it's probably gonna end up being ten minutes so if it was like five to seven I think it would be you know a reasonable thing and right at the last moment I throw the snare in there why not I do like the interaction between the snare and the hi-hat on this slide next I like how that guy something completely different rhythmically kind of completely different than the rest of the track that's like I remember hearing Fort it talked about doing that kind of thing except wait we weren't drastic than what I just said end of tracks just throw something that just just somehow fits but like you might not initially think somebody writing it you know you know just like you know which is way more drastic than what that was know all the time it's always a good idea this is white and I write numbers on these okay so I guess I'm just starting with this one those last ones were from December oh my god god am i listening to I gotta go through my headphones demo Jesus Christ this is the fucking worst what this is how I made it or or why well I guess this is a nap time to talk about what what these tapes sort of signified to me the last episode I guess it was maybe more immediately obvious because they most we like literally recorded over my birthday weekend and yeah and now we're on a different thing I remember what is life okay but so these be the other ones were like that was my birthday party the other tapes birthday tapes was my birthday party this this is my strictly wool post-election self-care synthesizing simple sensors my post-election synthesizer self-care I guess it's the way to say that I still have the flashes of terror of like this is reality oh yeah oh god it's like it's like grief it's like a death it's it's really honestly really similar to the feeling of like what that person died I'm never gonna see that person again I don't believe it that's the way I feel about the election I like this right now because what's going on is I'm turning the tempo down and that's something you can do with the machine with a precision but you can't really do if the human unless unless it's like some really wowza fucking musicians trains but they'd be that's big bucks get those guys chitra ah Oh this isn't a making up some kind of weird tempo like like that kick drum is not lining up in the same place each time thank you exactly why the Synthesia are sounding so weird and I think it might be like modulation from a stri man Mobius huddle that might be what it was yeah we're definitely in some kind of weird time signature that's the other thing I like about sequencers is like you know it's a sixteen step sequencer so you can decide whether those are quarter notes eighth notes or sixteenth notes or thirty-second notes and often I'll do 16th notes right so it's I feel like here I probably did eight minutes so like each of those 16 steps it would be like 16 eight notes but you can you can cut down the steps so instead of sixteen you can have like eight four four or six twelve or I wouldn't be surprised of what I did here was just go down to 15 because then it's like the tempo is sort of in like five over eight but I I don't feel like counting it right now in the slightest so yeah like I like recording to tapes or this reason - it's like you can record on it and then it's done and then you can forget about it but it's still there and you can listen to it almost or months later how does time work yeah it's like almost four months later then be like surprised by it I didn't remember that I didn't remember this really my god this one to say okay like that I don't remember that happening I guess that happens I like it okay and then here yeah here what I'm doing is I'm flipping between the different so we're at 16th notes Rene's notes Rep quarter notes actually now we might be at Carter nettles that's that might be 32nd no it's it were just at a really slow tempo Jesus quarter-note No so now Cardona put me to bed only on that ah I like how this one's like sort of slightly straightforward also the the main synth part that you've heard since the beginning is definitely being affected by the Strymon mobius I remember finding out that the way the snare came in something would need to get cut or filtered there and in some way I like the melody on this one this one's and his melodies and this one I like though also the hi-hat I love drum machine hi hats especially muting and unmuting them really quickly which I'm not doing here but I was staying as they were coming in I think right now I'm opening up the hi-hat actions maybe not maybe I don't know seems like I was at first she's gonna have it be like really closed and really before like much more open yeah we totally have a problem give me a second here god I guess that's gonna be a theme of these Jesus Christ I had one of the inputs that wrong on the computer so I was completely missing one of the tracks I thought it was getting recorded but it wasn't we're starting over once again except I'm gonna I'm gonna save those are the ones for the end the ones that we like just heard I'm gonna save for the end because I don't want to be completely completely terrible and make you hear the same shit over again right away okay okay okay okay all right all right okay let's just let's try this then Wow there's like a good chance that I'm gonna like edit that down maybe I will maybe I will see but you might have just heard an edited for tonight at the first hour of this of this episode because we're it's 557 in my world and yeah for like 47 minutes into recording but yeah okay you might have just heard our you might have just heard I cannot remember what um what what petal is making we use so fuzzy and I'm gonna see if I can find out I keep I keep records of stuff like this like um whatever petals I rent like I keep records of it in an app called air table so I should be able to go look and see what pedals I had at this if I have it in here maybe I don't yeah there we go No and then it doesn't really help where is oh yeah yeah yeah okay so I had the mobius from Strymon which I'm not sure where that is on this on this track but the the fuzzy like square wave sounding synth is happening from I have no idea how to say this company's name Oh micron Omicron oh no sorry the company's dread box the pedal is an home Omicron extravagant wave shaper there also there might be a the spaceman affects Alice 3 preamp booster thing down here somewhere what am I gonna talk about today that's a that's a good question I have a list that I need to go grab of it was a list I made around this time actually maybe maybe more in maybe more in January I'm not sure uh-huh 2016 was terrible for like a lot of people and I had some extra like bonus sadness things thrown in there and so it was absolutely horrible year and I was trying to fight against my sort of natural inclination towards pessimism and make a list of the good things that happened to me in 2016 because there's some significant ones and I'm gonna I'm gonna go grab that list and that'll be that'll be one of the things I'll talk about I think today and maybe we'll get into some heavy stuff but also what other notes do I have in here to go over yeah I don't I don't know I don't really like that the sound coming from that extravagant wave shaper it it's just but there's a few things that that we'll try to do like octave buzz kind of bit crushed certified things another one being like the the bit commander from Earthquaker devices and it's I just I don't know I just think they kind of sound dumb or like broken but like not in a cool way there's something like really kind of clicky and weird about them like they clicking like a like a like like it'll gate in and off you know it you know like that yeah it's me but in this drag it's like really overwhelming and we'll need to be kind of tamed I think in in mixing because it doesn't it doesn't sound right well this is fine huh Hey okay so here's one thing I'm really stoked about I finished basically a whole bunch of like guitar loop recordings for citizen scientist and I've got all the artwork done and I'm gonna be putting one out every Friday and there's they're like and they're like all uploaded and like completely done and they'll just slowly come out every Friday all the way through like September which is like awesome I'm like five or six months like ahead of schedule with citizen scientists which it's like a really good feeling blah blah that was nice that was a nice ending okay so there we go yeah yeah but okay so and then here another cool thing that happened with us some of them some of the ones that will come out that have come out in like the last month and I think there's one or two more that are like citizen scientist EPS that are like I think of them as sort of like pseudo quartet because it's drums bass two guitars but I just like I'll play the drums and then I'll lay the bass over it and then all the guitars over it or some some order of that but yeah so there are a bunch of those that have come out and there's one that came out I remember what day but I I named it after the the the what solar system star you know Trappist one the all those planets that were that got discovered that are like there's a bunch that are in like the habitable zone the Goldilocks zone yeah anyway I named I named the EP after that because I was amazing it was super amazing if you don't know about that you should look it up cuz it's like the best they're like not that far away I think they're like I don't remember I remember how many years but they're not that far away there's a lot of planets out there that's the point of this is there's a lot of planets and a lot of them are like maybe either there's life maybe there's life on it maybe there could be life on it maybe there has been life on it maybe there's currently life on it that's crazy that's crazy shit Wow planets animals families from space but yeah okay so I named it after that and anyway that one got reviewed by this writer Jude Knoll and from from tiny mixtapes the the website it was awesome it was like a short short little review but it was like it was great it was like a really great review and it was wicked because the review they embedded a player from VanCamp in the review so I could see how many people were listening to that album or like that track through tiny mixtapes and it was like it got like a hundred plays from just this like like short like four B P for paragraph by paragraph review is awesome this one is definitely like one of my favorites from this whole this whole batch it tapes yeah here's a couple of my favorite lines from from that time escapes review so failed in its own husk of sensual bureaucracy pressing my ear against its exoskeleton of distortion any sound heard is sign language citizen scientists creations float in a vacuum stewing in their own juices coy stirred oyster I love that the review is like it's it's so poetic I feel like when people write short reviews they don't they don't usually go that direction which that so I feel I feel lucky to have been reviewed by a freaking poet reviewer yeah that and that word oyster boy stirred yeah I I like the religious nature of that of that word I've always always maybe not always but I like I like thinking about Dark Ages monks and nuns and I have I have a certain we respect and even like jealousy not of some of the things I think there's a lot of a lot of shit that would've been really really painful I can't remember the word for it but there but I don't know if monks did shit like this but nuns would and I guess I guess this Brian relates the word cloistered but like they would do I don't really remember the reasoning for this but it they would sometimes like almost like voluntarily jail themselves this is the the claw of a solo section my favorite nun did that to herself again I remember why but Hildegard Hildegard von Bingen she she locked herself away and wow just really really like self-abuse for for god she was like a composer and poet kind of like about like a botanist just really really an incredible person had some some fights with the Pope or something I remember I studied her a little bit of a couple years back but a lot of those like monks and nuns to I think would spend like huge parts of their day just like singing like I think they would some recollection of like waking up you know early and singing uh you know grip like Gregorian chants playing songs ice I always thought that shit was amazing I really like the music too it's it's so I guess minimal or simple like there's no initially there were like there were like no harmonies and then I think I think they started dating parallel fifths but it was all all very very consonant yeah just really cool I wish I could be a fly on the wall for that that that period of time you know back when the back when the church was a sanctuary for for I guess peace and some sort of light in a in a violent world and keeping some kind of some kind of art alive anyway I don't know the way that the first sentence of this review is I can perceive citizen scientists creative processes about as easily as I can visit the Trappist one solar system which is to me just like a straight-up compliment I think I don't know I think the thing I like about this review that too is like you you could I think you could read it as positive or negative or neutral in some different ways but to me it's all very like neutral though I think it's I think it's basically just a neutral I don't that's the other thing I like about this is like it doesn't it's not really passing judgment anyway this again is another example of a tape being like too long and would benefit from being shorter but when I'm recording it it's like I don't know exactly what I'm gonna use so I'll just get whatever I can get and then if I need to move it around cut it I can do that because Pro Tools is amazing I can't remember if I said this before but one of one of the next things that I'm gonna try to to work on a whole bunch is going through all of the like the writing that I've done over I don't know forever and compile it and edit it and start putting out doing more like audio poems and like yeah I have this running thing where I'll do like I've been doing this probably since 2014 we're like every month I will have a like a Google Doc where I just like take notes and like write you know little poems or whatever and I was looking through them and it's like I'm I'm surprised like how much I've forgotten this is there I think that really is something to be sad for like I can't remember who said this but like this advice of like you should anytime anytime you write something like I should write it and then I put it in a drawer and then forget about it for like a year or whatever revisited I was like looking at looking through all this Google Docs I think there are some things in but then there's like a few things I'm surprised certainly get all these all these tapes out here and I'm starting to get confused about which are which okay so that pile are those are done these are once I still got to do those are once I got to redo I think but I'm confused about that pile trying to get a feel for how much is here today this one is about eight minutes eight sixteen twenty-four we got an hour and a half to two hours left be my guess I'm gonna go grab that list I couldn't find it but then I remembered uh it was actually just right in front of me the whole time oops it's hard to talk about 2016 hard hard hard to think about hard it's hard it's hard to see I mean even like this so the actually you know the two main things that I've been doing over the last big months getting the citizen scientist guitar albums or ep's finished and up I'm ready go go out publish and so there's that and then the other thing I've been doing a lot a lot of weekends ago all right I've been looking through all of my like old like files of recorded sound music compositions electronic compositions and trying to find some organizational tactics and sort of game plan for what to do with all that old stuff cuz there's there's this files things and I have this sort of static static or stagnant feeling of like I wanted to get all of that gun and out before I think we got him into quad-a so when I get I'm gonna get as much of that just done and out before I start doing too much like releasing of new stuff so I have to decide what to do listen to it and the other things in here I have is a list of those different projects but two weekends ago the thing I did was I opened up my mixes girls just want to have done in like 2013 I opened up Laura I just started laughing because it was so bad this was like four years ago I have the slightest idea like what the fuck I was experienced or what I should even be trying to do I had no comprehension of the tools or what the end goal should be or how to anything and it's just hilarious to go through and look at like why did I do this why is this so unorganized what did I think I was doing with this plugin why are these flights I mean the only thing that I will say is like a one good thing about it was like I didn't try to over mix it with plugins and that kind of shit which i think is probably your choice you know it's not like I had five different compressors and new cues that were essentially just cancelling each other out but I just didn't know how to effectively do anything so I've been going back and trying to also I've recorded it so I'm not embarrassed about a lot of the stuff that I have out because it and I think I mean I think for any artist is like stagnating I think this is probably true like everything that you put out you can like well I could do better than that now like now that I've done that I could do better so you see all the flaws which i think is probably a good thing it means like I'm moving forward in some way but it's like oh god there's so many things that it's like I wish I could go back and redo everything we mix everything rerecord a bunch of stuff we do artwork for different you know but I am remix in Laura and it's hard because it's so bad but I recorded a video for it like maybe 2014 that's crazy I don't know yeah I think it was 2014 and it's a very simple video I don't think I'm gonna tell you what it is but it's a very it's very very simple video and it's actually recorded to VHS tape and yes mult it was it was you know uh I don't even know how to describe it without saying what it is but you know it was shot over the course in a room over the course of a couple like an hour or two I don't know right an hour give me a second here but if it was like a it was a multi-camera VHS shoot that is what I'll say about it really I think I'd like three cameras recorded it in in st. Paul you saw them but not at the time that Roberta but anyway I want to get that video so I got a remix the strike what I'm gonna put the video out I want the music to sound better I don't know if I'll remix any of the other ones I would like to I would actually like to remix that entire thing but we'll see a certain amount of like just gotta move on I got I got other things to do yeah let me look at this of stuff to get done oh yeah the other thing I'll say about that is I been working on it for about two weeks like a little bit here and there you know like maybe an hour in the morning or on weekends and stuff and so far I put in twenty five hours on one mix the experiment is to see how far I can push it to see how many of the problems I can can correct and to try some things I usually would not try I'm not rear according anything I thought about it I really thought about just re-recording of a bunch of stuff but I'm not gonna do that and I also do not adding any any sounds to it like I'm not triggering the drums I'm not like like I hate the drum sounds and I'm trying to fix it without using any tools beyond like EQ compression those sorts of normal you know harmonic stuff reverbs delays but no rerecord in some other tricks but no no ring beforehand triggers I could easily I could easily spend 10 to 15 hours on on morado so we'll see I don't know I I'm kind of thinking about this list I saw I have this list in front of me I'm kind of thinking about but this list I can't I came up with like a like a tentative I should try and release these in this on the hunt down these months and it's just funny because I was just I was so depressed last year and I'm trying to get out of it there is no way I mean this list is like a like a desperate please I like to try and escape cuz like I came up with this list and the first date on it was like the first thing I was gonna do was do a remix and remaster of my side of they'll just want to have done and have it come out in September and like the horror show of the election and just being super depressed and then society and I was gonna do this you know what it became is your spirit broken yet like a lot of this got sidetracked because of that and then and then Nathalie died was just through everything huh right is dumb less she's gonna start with remix in goes this one have gone and then I was gonna go back and I don't know take a look at what what I have from Frank was like the first one I put out it was a noise album in 2008 when I was 16 and I kind of I kind of wanted to do a like a ten year no not tenure ten year would be next year 2018 I kind of wanted to remix and master it if I could you know depending on what I could find in terms of files because it's the first thing I ever did so it has a certain importance to me because of that not exactly the first thing I ever did but the first thing I ever first thing I ever put out as Noren the janitors say that oh man my vocal codes are really like cold this morning so I was gonna do that and then I had this album that I put out like in 2015 or something I've actually there's basically two Lincoln and then home both of those were stuff I'd recording yeah I just did I just did a terrible job I have this feeling of like all of us like archival stuff it's like it's important to me to have these documents okay musical life however bad the documents are it's like important to me to have them they're just my stupid life and I wish I could spend the time to make them a little bit more presentable even though I wanted to do the same thing with maybe that's the reason that I should wait to she's like I might end up redoing them and be like well now I could do it even better okay and then this is another thing actually I've been working on this last night I have I used to have this alter ego from ages - like Kenda 19 and tell you the name but it was sort of like it was satire it was also a reflection of something real it was Norwegian Satanist and that the songs a lot of them were like I mean they were all like a lot of oversecured on different ways some of them less so some more so some of them kind of offensive definitely which I have all sorts of shame about now there are a couple of things that are just like what and some and some of those were like not what I was but which is I'm going back through these and finding some of the things that I think are interesting and just either scrapping or editing like but a lot of it came out of like well here okay so I think the title of this album is gonna be I was a teenage edge the Lord I think there so there was a time when I didn't understand the difference between offensive humor and provocative humor like provocative humor is fine satirical humor is fine like offensive humor is usually not like I'm thinking about some of the just shit that like new hamburger will say or that matter some of the more aggressive moments of like long line motion and like now now I understand that Chef Flay we're doing maybe I don't maybe I solo I don't know I don't know what I know but I know that I didn't get in being embarrassing ways but some of it is some of it is fun like when I was 10 or 11 there are a couple of tracks and I don't I don't know for sure music being on there like a couple of the tracks one was a one was just about he worshipping Satan it's really awesome one was about I think it was a combination of being about like people then I went to it it'll school with or yeah like middle school with and like also like George Bush and that that one was called self-righteous bigoted and I just I just scream the whole thing and the lyrics are like you're a racist idiot self-righteous bigoted you you hear a poppy song and sing it push somebody around say bring it which I think that I mean that's like you know middle school bullies but also like George Bush what was that thing where he was like didn't he say bring it on at some plant that's something and then I just have all of these fucking things from just years of like making weird little demos and some of them are real low fee some of them are super low fee and some of them are only slightly low fee I think we might be getting into repetition now I think some of these are ones you might have heard already but I think I'm just gonna go through all of these all these demos sort of similar to what I'm doing with like the the I was a teenager large stuff and um regardless of fidelity or whatever just slap them all together and see what I got and and put that out and there are a few other like weird archival recording things have this huge thing of like stuff I've recorded well well traveling you know journals and also like field recordings that I might do something with but III don't know I haven't I haven't sited how I'm gonna do or what I'm gonna do with those yet and then there's also this this album that was originally like a zoo on fire album that we recorded and in high school and the songs on it were initially going to be during the janitor songs but then then there was this whole zoo on fire phase and I don't know I'll talk about that more sometime in the future but I I'm still planning on finishing that up and putting it out I don't know when that one's gonna be trickier because that one's gonna need some more more polishing because those are not demos those are like legit legit recorded yeah I want to make sure that's good but Sue and Fire doesn't exist so so there's that that'll happen and then I have I have this other after the end that that album let me back up the archive whole thing I think I'm gonna call it I've had the same since forever I think I'm gonna call it what to do about everything you can't fix and then the zoo on fire is the ghosts beneath our feet and then I also have this like force on kind of EP it's sort of long I think it's their long songs I think it's like probably almost 20 minutes called vigil or at least that's initially were distant recalls and I wrote all that when I was like 18 19 remember writing lyrics and stuff as I was like traveling around the country alone in my van in 2011 and that I don't know exactly what's gonna happen with that I have the drum tracks recorded and then everything else I have like composed and just software like that happy honor roll MIDI and I don't know I don't know exactly how I'm gonna approach that man some of the songs there's one I don't want to talk about it right now but there's one that in retrospect is really really really rough profoundly sad to me now I don't think a lot of this I've never told almost anybody about but all of these experiments that I'm doing with citizen scientists all of these different all of these different things that I've been working so hard on are kind of just like a lead up to albums like the ghost beneath our feet I put that album off since 2010 basically intentionally because there's just been so much that I don't care I didn't know how to approach like how do I write lyrics that are decent how do I write melodies that are decent how do I what is production how do I want this to sound how does all of these questions are like we're completely something that I couldn't I couldn't even begin to grasp in 2010 and I I kind of feel like everybody who was involved with that record or like watching it being made like people who came to our shows maybe disillusioned with me taking my sweet time but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and I want to do something good so it's taken a long time and it's it's it's gonna take more time and I'm glad frankly I'm glad that I'm being patient but there's more let me grab my other notebook I was scheming about this a couple of weeks ago sitting at my kitchen table trying to write down all the things we gotta say this - it's March 2017 17 months I'm coming up on my first decade as snoring the janitors which is insane to me so I got a lot to do I want I want to feel fulfilled on that day August 8th 2018 so I got a lot to get done and I got to focus on it and it's I'm realizing that days that that's the first decade is like the most important thing to me right now and it's like it's got to take precedent over everything else as far as I'm concerned in terms of my own like artistic pursuits I I have a lot of stuff like in the can for like prairie god for example but like it's come out as sort of a slow trap but like there's I'm kind of I don't know I'm I'm gonna be really really like limited about the amount of like interviewing or whatever that I do like until until I get all this shit done I think a goal would be doing like one interview a month but it might end up being it might end up being less than that for a while I got a lot of other stuff I want to do but and you know we'll just we'll keep it running and then and then I'll hit the road when I'm what 28 29 and I'll just go talk to people for a year and that'll be my life buy an electric car and just get some solar panels annals and live in my car and talk to people for two years okay now I'm like almost certain we're doing repetitive stuff okay but anyway let me look at so there's there's yeah there's other stuff goes this one I've done remixes Lincoln home Frank what to do about everything you can't fix I have a whole bunch of not a whole bunch of but a handful of like guitar compositions that I did in Ableton and I do have a whole bunch of like both sort of like hip-hop and kind of like synth pop type stuff that I recorded in Ableton that I want to finish up there are a couple live recordings that I want to put out basically in their entirety there's like two that I want to I want to do that with for a while and what 2015 mostly I think I was recording - I machine a bunch on my iPhone and I wanted to do something with those is this there's a lot of them vigil the guts beneath our feet I have a few guitar compositions that I did in schools struggling remember what those are right now oh well most loser Muslims are new a few other like random drama record ends that might just become citizen scientists or some of this some of this I might end up not putting vocals on and just putting it out as like some scientists stuff like like a beat tape you know I don't know when when I turned older than my brother ever was this is like thinking November of 2014 out that weekend I spent coming up with these really weird like like micro samples from like old like 78 speed records and like kind of building like Ableton instruments out of them and yeah so that's there's an albums worth of stuff from like from that weekend and I gotta just kind of polish it and like put some vocals on there and figure out what it's all about and yeah the point of the point of that was to like get as close to done something that weekend as a monument to that change in my life and to my brother's existence but I think I'm gonna call it duplication huh blue texture I can't even say it a duplicate sure deck Peck I like architecture but do for texture maybe I'll call that maybe I want I don't know but it was inspired by a an episode of 99% invisible and there's something there's some sort of poetic image connected between cupola texture and the feelings I was feeling that weekend and some other some other feelings of like yeah I don't know that some someday I'll be able to explain that but I don't know I might - Alexis emerge late spoken word recordings and put them on is an actual album and there's a bunch of a quiet and there's like a bunch of questions of like what ha what do I do with this stuff that I've recorded in the last year like like some of these some of these things that we're listening to today there's like a bunch more stuff like this and some of the some of it I wanted like report digitally and manipulate more and add stuff to and mess with arrangements and like maybe put vocals on it and maybe maybe turn these like weird like like bad acid techno things into shit don't know I have all of these guitar recordings that I've done I have all of these loaf I like tape recording and some songs tracks that I've written yeah there's a lot there's a lot there's a lot to do like in this track word two-and-a-half minutes long and it was like me trying to be future islands on their first album you know what I'm saying little advances that's the shit I'm talking about that'd be fun I'd like that I would like to do that explore explore my they might be giants influences you know what I mean okay let's get to this list of good things so I'm starting from the bottom of the list and a very important one is just that I feel like I have a sense of purpose now I don't have a purpose I don't really believe in purpose in like a universal universe spiritual sense I think that life is meaningless but I have a sense of purpose I'm very thankful that I have a sense of purpose because holy shit first it feels terrible to happen to have so have no idea what the fuck you should be doing and or maybe maybe it's not that I maybe it's more that I'm acknowledging what I know I should have been doing for a long time and a sense of purpose is like now I'm actually doing it you know now I'm waking up every day and making my purpose like a self actualize that has come about in the last year in a big way and that is I feel unbelievably lucky for that damnit not this one again they didn't really eat breakfast kind of forget about the seven-thirty the heck I'm gonna be right back I got it I gotta go make a piece of toast and I hate this intro anyway so I'm sorry this track is terrible the rest of it's okay with this beginning the thing is just super painful okay all right Susan you can skip ahead if you want Oh and and and okay and there was that again I'm really still confused about how I pulled off not recording one of the tracks before anyway uh we're coming up right on the end here pretty quick which is kind of crazy so we got like three left uh oops it's not the case yeah so since the purpose very important anyway there are a few different like musicians and artists and stuff that I came across last year that mostly yeah mostly at last year or got more into last year that that made a big difference to me Frankie cosmos Wow okay I kind of think her album next thing was it's probably actually my favorite album of last year and then also of course Matt Farley Matt just completely changed my thinking about what what the fuck up damn it and how to approach how do how to approach I guess some amount of financial independence the art and then the other thing would just be like boost house see problem bug and the yellow pages and Joshua Jennifer Espinoza yellow pages is an anthology that just has put out and and also like Yolo it's a good it's a good way to live it seems like some millennial bullshit right it's not it's got a long a long history Yolo a very important I quit all my bands last year that was a big fucking deal I still have all sorts of guilt about that kind of kind of destructive to my psyche a little bit still and makes some social things kind of kind of difficult but I'm it was the right decision it's just it's it's hard to have one of the other things I wrote about here was trying to put myself first and be okay with it it's hard for me to I guess say no to people or ask people to do things or not do things for me I don't like being any kind of a burden to people I don't like feeling burdened by people I don't like I don't know it's hard relationships are hard friendship is relief I don't understand it but it's this the sentence trying to put myself first and be okay with it it's like I have these dreams and goals and it's like I got a I got a I got a I got a couldn't put that before before anything because if I don't I'm just not gonna be happy and then if I'm not happy like I'm just gonna I'm gonna be a shitty person anyway so I moved into a new new new new residence my girlfriend and I were living in this terrible terrible basement apartment and we moved into a duplex that is wonderful and it's the best thing don't grieve and dust and mold or whatever all day so we kind of like healthier in it and it's basically the same price we went from like a shitty small place to like like place it's almost like too big for us I got a bunch of like financial shit in order west here which is crazy I feel like I'm actually starting to be able to say funny I paid off my loans yeah it's weird like I'm 25 I don't have loans I have a fucking IRA now and yeah it's awesome it's really I don't understand yep I guess part of that it's like I do I kind of don't think the future is gonna exist I've kind of always felt that way I guess I thought I was gonna be dead by now frankly but I was gonna die one of those like 22 but just cuz I could never mentioned getting older than my brother but here I am I didn't think it would happen and I still kind of I don't know kind of feel like the world tonight explode at any moment I think that's sort of the consensus in the United States for anybody who doesn't you know love the president I think actually maybe those people think everything's gonna fall apart too though I don't get it I started some new shit this this last year started very goth fairy gothis over a year old now I think the first episode was like right at the end of January cold sweat and yeah so that's weird and cool I guess I don't know started citizen scientists which is I don't say that that I'm happy about it now I just got to release like 300 EPS or whatever and then I'm solid this quitting bands thing comes back a lot to like mine you know I've struggled with the produce feelings of like community versus like isolation a lot because I'm kind of I think I'm kind of like a recluse party in some ways I really value solitude right you know that but I don't know how to deal with like have having a community and in that context it seems hard to pick seems like it's impossible to pick both seems like community or isolation it would be nice to have a little they're both maybe maybe I do I don't know I don't know don't feel like it Oh take better care of my teeth I'm learning to kind of like respects my limitations do you know that Mike political reporting like that just that wasn't written like I'm glad I did it I guess cuz it was like it was a challenge and I think I'm okay yeah I mean for someone who's like completely like untrained I think I did an okay job but you know like not that many people heard those I don't really know if anybody really cared I mean it's like I'm glad that document exists because you know it's uh I do I mean I kind of think it's something actual reporter should have done a little bit more of like actually trying to it to talk to people but and some do some do right but you know I just I do think it's important to get the the the perspectives of random people at rallies and protests and I didn't hear as much of that as I would have liked and I wonder if that contributed to this a feeling of inevitability that Hillary would win because I remember distinctly feeling like like like Trump definitely could and maybe probably like would win pretty pretty early on and I think part of that is just cuz like I I grew up here I know what people are like here and you know but yeah anyway I mean so respecting my limit limitations being careful about taking in too much too much negative information information as well those yeah I don't know reporting around the the Bernie and Trump stuff just it messed up my mind for the rest of that year some I don't know it's not worth it's like I could I could go do this like this this this type of reporting and then and then that's kind of that's kind of it for a while or like I could just keep making art and trying to make people feel better about existing I think I think I think my role is probably better along those lines you know like making making things that like maybe if I'm lucky will inspire other other people or make other people feel better about taking taking political action or just like existing in in in the world does that make sense I mean it's like okay so like say there's a like an activist whose work I admire and agree that I could go out there and try to be like that activist tried to do that kind of work or I could do the things that I'm already inclined to do and just it in like an ideal hypothetical make work that would inspire that kind of activist either directly or like in some sort of peripheral way there's another thing about Yolo pages it's the preface talks about a broader understanding of like political poetry and the that there is there is a value in making something that's not overtly political at all and maybe the only political thing is that it rejects you know oppressive thinking and it's something that would be enjoyable to an activist minded type person a politically minded a person Jews it was out there like doing that kind of work you know or even just like making the people who make phone calls to their representatives feel better so there may be feeling less shitty on a day and more inclined to make that daunting phone call I don't know I don't know it's hard to it's it's hard to figure out but that's uh I think that's a better role for me because it's being being too politically active just I don't have the spiritual stamina for it this year or last year Jesus yeah 2016 going on forever 2016 I became vegan finally finally after after 14 15 years of being basically a vegetarian sometimes but yeah it was like thinking once I finally decided to make the switch and just do it like it's so easy and I'm eating honestly I'm eating way better right now my diet is way better because I'm paying more attention to and I'm eating more plants I'm eating more beans and like who cares about cheese give a shit also like even cheese is pretty damn good especially like nachos nachos with Pikachu's lecture grade so I'm good to go and yeah it's awesome I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for some of my friends like Cameron and Anthony so you will hear a phone call with that I had with like last year eventually you'll hear that and then most directly like my girlfriend and I went vegan at the same time and we're able to like support each other and the big inspiration push was Steve Rogan but because he's so passionate about it and because he has this book that a book of poetry that on the back just has this like screed like quit dari here's why you should quit there he just kept seeing it and I kept seeing it it was like yeah it's not really that important for me to like I don't need eggs I get protein from I get enough protein I don't need eggs cheese is like who cares now that it's gone it's like I don't I just don't care at all like consumption is never exploitation free completely you know but the fact that I'm not directly being cruel to animals is it makes me feel a lot better makes me feel like less complicit in the horrors of the world cool well this is great we have one left and it's just the reprieve and I feel like I could keep talking for a long time I have one last thing I want to talk about and I'm I'm nervous about it because I've never really talked about it publicly and I don't is it a big deal I don't know it's a good thing I'm glad it's good I'm glad but sorry to say I'm glad I'm talking about it but it started out so I've gotta come to this point where it's like I feel like I need to say this so that I can help tell my stories without being scared of doing so there's certain things I just can't talk I just can't I can't I can't explain or like I can't talk about without putting this out there first and I want to be able to talk about this kind of stuff and I wanted to be able to I want you know my it's my goddamn art and I want to be able to speak freely in my own spaces and it's taken me a really long time to get to to where I am now even and it's it's scary it's it shouldn't be it shouldn't be but it is scary because I'm afraid of painting myself and I'm afraid of people hating me or rejecting me or laughing at me or I mean it - probably a lot of people it's probably obvious but it's been really hard for me to identify this way but I want to put another tape on just cuz I'm gonna sit here and be nervous if I if I'm not listening to anything I'm just talking so we're we're we're gonna repeat shit but I don't I don't care there's oh Jesus not that yeah November 20 number 99 16 that really didn't take that long that really didn't take the Romneys to get through all these 170 minutes recording recording times I'm nervous can you tell nervous yes yeah you came across these really wicked pictures of me and my my brother when I was a little kid the other week like it's it's it's just like photo shoot that my dad took us on and took us out into the woods and in like the fall took all these pictures they're really a lot of are really really cute just like happy kids he's like 15 or 16 so I'm like 7 or 8 7 by 7 he's bright 15 maybe he's 14 I don't know he's probably 15 I don't know it's hard to tell around that time but there's this one where that I have is my phone like background now because it's just so fucking good he's like down on one knee has his like arm around my back and you know like side hug you know kind of and I'm laughing about something really really hard and he's just looking up at me smiling it's just so sweet because it's like just this pure expression of like love it's I love it I love it a lot it's hard to look at it's really sad but it it's it's really fun too and it's just it's I look I don't know about you I think a lot of people love seeing their themselves as as children but it's just like this goofy happy little kiss it's fun okay so here's the thing I need to come out in my in my art in a defined and direct way and so that's what I'm doing it's really hard for me to identify as trans because I hate I just I don't know I don't like labels maybe I don't I have a lot of doubt about myself in general I have a wicked amount of like impostor syndrome which I don't know I think maybe is common for trans people I don't know and yeah so it's been hard for me to to to use the word trans because it's hard it's hard for me to to see myself as transgender just maybe because I don't I don't always see myself reflected and other people's trans experiences but I think I think that might be pretty normal too I've heard a lot of people say both about trans folks and genderqueer folks at like there are you know there there are as many different ways of being trans as there are trans people and I guess I I felt kind of like an imposter identifying these trans because I I don't know what my path is I guess and then and then that's the thing like everybody everybody who is trans has as their own has their own path and has their own meaning of what it is to be to be trans or to be queer or whatever and for for me part of the part of the reason that it's hard to say transgender is that it's hard for me to relate to the idea of transition I don't have this connection to the feeling of like autonomy and stuff like that that I think a lot of trans people do and I don't I don't I don't know that I intend to really do that much in terms of I don't know how I'm gonna express it you know what I mean I in some ways I already do you know I've had long hair almost all my life I know I didn't I didn't always see it this way but there's like there's there's a reason for that yeah I don't know the only the only thing that has been consistently easy to say to myself is is that I was born in the wrong body then I should have been born and I have a very distinct there was a very distinct moment in my life I was 18 I remember it very very clearly and I just had this epiphany it was it was well I was rock climbing and the epiphany was just like this was also right after one of the times that I shaved my head which that whole thing is I mean like that's one of these stories like I need I need to tell that story because some of the meaning that I know that I'm coming to understand from that is surprising to me and but so I'd recently shaved my head and I'm rock climbing at night I had I had this epiphany that was just like if it doesn't really matter what I look like you know what things about me are stereotypically feminine what things aren't it doesn't it doesn't matter if I wear certain kinds of clothes or don't or you know or I mean like I think about like like body hair a lot right I used to when I was in high school I shaved my legs for a while and as I've become older I'm kind of like my first my skin is too sensitive for that kind of shit but as I've become older I'm more like I don't know that it doesn't that doesn't to me to other people you know other other people have different feeling in sentence it's all good but for me I don't think that I don't think it matters because a lot of my role models a lot of women that I look up to don't give a shit about shaving their armpits for their legs or some combination of and like it's pretty I like it I don't see how it's completely it's super feminine I mean like like okay Molly soda Molly soda is like somebody a role model in for me in in the in the public realm and I can talk about and like her armpit hair is gorgeous it's beautiful there's nothing about it that isn't feminine at all unless you wanted I mean you know I guess ultimately it's it's it's not gendered like it's only it's only gendered as much as we see it because every it's it doesn't matter it's just body hair who cares it's it's beautiful whether you have it or you don't so I had I had this moment of like it doesn't matter what I look like it doesn't none of that for me that isn't the most important thing the most important thing is just like how how I feel and in that moment I for the first time I was like abruptly okay with being like who cares if I feel like I was born in the wrong body in in my heart I'm a woman and that's good enough like everything else it can you know it can come and go so this word transgendered is a little a little bit a little bit difficult part farley because I didn't learn about I didn't I didn't I didn't know that existed until like late in high school I started to know that that existed I didn't really understand it at all I actually had one friend come out to me in high school and I was like great I don't know what I don't know what that means not that I said that I only recall I hope but I only recalled being like oh okay but I I also didn't I wasn't aware I wasn't really aware of this shit until like until until Laura came out that was the first time that that any of that shit like really made me go like no was a way I could think about the world or about myself it's taken a long fucking time for me to come around to be like okay with myself and I've told people regrettably I've told that people have asked me like are you queer or use it and I'm like no and part of that was just mean like I think protecting myself even though like I mean there's one instance that I can think of where like I didn't I would have been fine saying anything instead I said I think I just said no and in some ways that's true because I don't I don't see myself as no girl I don't see myself as genderqueer I see myself as having been born the wrong sex so transgender the implicit thing is transition and there are some problems with that including like that implies that transgender is always along like the binary spectrum of gender which is like no that's not true and I don't know where I'm gonna fit into that spectrum other than I'm not I'm not I don't think myself is done binary I don't think of myself as genderqueer I don't think of myself as boy like in Laura the Sun ice cream I want to be a girl and like that's that's I think some people thought that I was just trying to like embody her a drink gin grace as a character and that's like completely wrong which that whole song is something I need that says that's another story I need to tell I need to be able to tell that story of why that song existed what it meant to me when I wrote it and what it means to me now and and in some cases what it's meant to other people but you know it's hard for me to figure out where I fit into this spectrum of gender because because the word transition isn't particularly useful to me so I've had some struggles with the word transgender because of that but the thing is I'm I think we just assumed that the word trans and transgender means transition but it doesn't have to it can also mean transcendence and to me the idea of transcendence is a lot more important than the idea of transition for me just for me so here's here's here's my deal there's zero part of me that wants to come out in public in North Dakota so I'm not gonna I'm not gonna be out in my daily life I've never talked to anybody about this directly in person other than my girlfriend I've talked about gender dysphoria to people I've talked over email with people I've never talked to anybody in person about it about being transgender other than my girlfriend and I don't want to deal with how close-minded people are here I'm already scared about living in North Dakota it's already scary enough it's already enough pain I hate it here and I just I don't want to deal with it so as far as my North Dakota life as much as I can staying in the closet but in one a stays on myspace so here's here's here's what I'm hoping that backing me and it can it can take time it can take time it really does it usually doesn't too much depending on the person unless unless they know but they don't know but now you know and so you know refer to me as the gender that I think refer to me as the gender that I am in my heart and use the right pronouns but don't if you see me in public just don't unless we're at a concert if you see me at work if you see me at I don't really go out that much I don't go places but let's say you see me at my job let's say you see me at a gas station or drinking a beer or walking around an outside don't don't say she because it's I'm not ready for that I might do that right before I move away I might have some fun before I move away I used to be much more fearless than I am I used to be much more resilient than I am but right now um I can't I can't do that in my day-to-day life but in you know in private conversations in my art in my on my dumb website um I'm a girl and I'm gonna do that now and fuck it I guess you know it there's probably a lot of people who were like oh yeah obviously I mean I am hoping that that will be the reaction of a lot of people like yeah obviously you call yourself Nora and Nora would have been my name had I been born female I like I like my birth name I don't know how to different different trans people have different ways of dealing with their past and I don't know how I want to deal with my past yet I just don't I don't know I don't know I don't know I just I don't know and gosh there's a lot to say and it's gonna take a long time and I'm gonna have to record some more tapes so that I can one of these days I'm gonna come in here and I'm just gonna put some tapes on and I'm gonna tell you about all the times that I've hated my body and the the the the pain of being trapped because that's a huge part of my experience and uh oh oh I mean the vast majority of transparent experience gender dysphoria there are some I don't that don't i think i think i've read that in some places but i don't know it's not a whole lot of good trans literature and that I found but I found there's I'm sure there's Martha that I just don't know about but I'm through you know chunks of trans bodies trance cells which is a great has been a great resource for me but anyway I don't know tangents it's all just tangents right now death I don't know I'm trying I'm trying to think of what else I need to say right now it's probably it's is it an annoying is it burdensome to be like hey don't misgender me when you can but also don't out me when I don't want to be outed is that I mean the burdens on you fucking deal with it sorry I love you thank you for listening there's probably like three people who are listening to this right now and who cares I don't really I don't feel prepared to have conversations with individuals about this really so we'll see yeah I don't know there's so much that I could say I mean oh oh I guess all I'm asking is is please uh be uh be kind to me and and try to see me for who I who I really am because I need that I grab all a lot with feeling like a huge part of me doesn't give a fuck what people think at all but I'm human I guess and I need some kind of affirmation this is weird okay I don't know there's a lot more I could say but I'm gonna say that I don't know I'll talk more about in the future and I'm trans deal with it I'm Nora the janitor for Prairie goth transgender transcends transgender friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend